Yay Irony

Yesterday, I realized something about myself.  I have developed free floating anxiety because I feel like I should have schoolwork to do.  I start to panic and just do a whole ton all at once to make up for it.  Yesterday I cleaned every surface in my room, did 5 loads of laundry, organized my bookshelf and cleaned and perfectly made my bed.   Why? Cause I couldn't not do anything.

I feel sorta betrayed.  I finally get the free time I wanted and I can't enjoy it cause I was overdoing it so much.  I feel agitated and panicky now that I have nothing to do, even though I worked the majority of the day.   I think I managed to develop some sort of mental disorder.  I'd ask to see a therapist about it, but I have a pathological fear of them.  Which, makes things difficult.

On the good side, my boyfriend said the idea of me panicking cause I don't have anything to do was sorta adorable.  That helped calm me down something and I found myself smiling a lot.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow I finally do my big presentation in my MSA Research class.  This has attracted a lot of attention, mostly due to the oddity of a nerdy kid with a t-shirt and vest running around with a wired up typewriter in the school hallways.  Anyways... I am sorta nervous and excited about it all at once! I can't believe it is actually happening!  I am going to get all dressed up in a suit coat, with a crimson red dress shirt and grey tie w/ matching color vest! I am going to show the class what it means to do a proper presentation.  That is if I don't start stuttering....

Oh well! I appologize btw, for still not having posted the stuff on the typewriter. It is coming, I promise! It's just that the presentation took precedence.   Last week of school for me! I just sorta wanted to share my nervous excitement with you guys! (meaning the two or three of you who follow this blog :/)

Technology... the nature of "Experts"

There is only a couple skills you need to be good with computers.  One of which is the ability to type things into google.  Seriously...  90% of the time that is what the IT guy is doing.  Either that or just randomly clicking in the settings until stuff starts to work.

Everyone is bad when they start out.  Computer Science skills are learned mainly through experience.   Just following tutorial after tutorial until you begin to figure stuff out without them.

I think the same is true of many things now a days.  The difference between a novice and an expert is experience and experimentation.  The only area I can really consider to be an exception is sports in which natural ability can be  a key component.

If you want to be good at something, just try and keep an open mind.  Don't be afraid to try things a different way and don't be afraid to look for help and/or information.

Time

There is a delicate balance between doing not enough and way too much.  When you don't have a lot of free time, days begin to blur together, you start to get irritable and loose track of things you enjoy.  I recently came to the realization that I haven't had time to draft a Magic: The Gathering deck in 3 weeks.    This is one of the things I enjoy most, and I typically come up with two or three a week.  After that I also realized that I haven't watched the past 3 episodes of any of my favorite shows, or played any of my plethora of video games.  The only thing I have managed to keep up with has been the online stories I read before I go to bed at night. 

The problem for me is that whenever I WOULD have free time, my parents like to give me things to do.  They don't seem to understand that Swimming, Interning, and After-School clubs aren't exactly free time.  They just see them as what I do with my free time.  Forgetting the fact that they practically shoved me into most of it, even if I do enjoy and benefit from it.  I would never pack this much stuff into my schedule myself.

That being said, I don't want to end up like my brother.  He spends all of his time just mindlessly playing random FPS games and just laying around doing nothing  He has all the time in the world so he no longer knows what to do with it.  He becomes a non-being, one who simply exist.  He doesn't do anything constructive or creative.

It is hard to find a balance between the two different situations.  You need to find enough time to yourself to relax and unwind with your favorite shows, games, or other non club hobbies.  But it is still important to be part of things outside of home.  I am struggling to find this balance now, since my parents obviously don't understand my limitations.

I am hoping to unwind a bit this weekend by hanging out with my boyfriend this weekend! I been missing him something awful and talking on skype can only do so much to help!  Feel free to post any of your own opinions below! Or just leave a comment to let me know you read it!  I will try to  respond to everyone as soon as possible (not that that will be too hard giving the number of known followers, but you never know *crosses fingers*).

Busy Lately

I know I haven't posted in awhile.  Mainly cause of everything that has been going on as my school year comes to an end.  I have been working on two projects, a final exam, reviewing for finals, and various other school related things. Along with my increased amount of chores (step-mom broke her foot.... on my ipad... I don't really know) and my swim training starting to kick into high gear!  Things are starting to wind down! I should be a little less busy once summer starts, but its not like my schedule will be completely open.  I will be starting my job with my dad in pool construction right as school ends.  That being said, with all the buisiness going on a lot of good things have happened! So it isn't like I am working my ass off for nothing!

I finally finished my typewriter project yesterday! I will be posting more about that later in the week after I assemble a general overview and image album. It was a lot of work, but being able to intern as a junior in high-school is well worth it! Plus, now I have an awesome typewriter keyboard!!!!!

I managed to go a 56:45 in the 100 freestyle short-course! Which is a two second drop off of my time from the end of the actual season and my training is only just starting! I should be able to get down into the 53 range by the time my season kicks up!

I got conformation on the parts I need for the second project, a multi-touch table I am throwing together.  So I should actually be able to finish it before my big presentation!

Oh, and I should be able to cut down my cancer check up hospital visits down to once a year after my next visit! Which means I shouldn't have to worry bout reoccurance for another 10 to 15 years!  Though my rate is still rather increased by the age I had it.

I also am planning on submitting another post later with some speculation on the nature of free time and busy schedules like mine!

Wow, I do believe I am starting to sound a bit like Night Tempest! Well, I can't really complain there!  I got to be going and am planning on future updates! Btw Night, seeing the comment and the follow made me smile!  I saw I was getting a lot of page views but only knew of one follower (besides my boy-friend).  I am glad you found time to take a look!  Others reading this! You don't need an account to comment, and they are truly appreciated!

Good free gay romance stories!

Thought that it might be nice to post some links to two of my favorite independent writers! Both on their way to finally publishing their work!

Night Tempest

http://nighttempest.blogspot.com/

and 

Rob Colton (robcub32)

http://robcolton.com/

If you are looking for some good m/m romance reading material I highly suggest you take a look at what they have written!!!

Marriage

First off, marriage is not a fucking christian institution! Christianity is not the first religion to create marriage, they just claim they are.  It existed before Catholicism or Christianity were even a thing.  Even today there are non-christian/catholic weddings!  Tribal and other religions have had marriages too.

Also, it has not always been between one man and one woman.  In fact, in many societies and religions it was one man and ten or twenty women.  If you want my opinion, having that many significant others is more damaging to marriage then homosexuality will ever be.

Also, not every christian believes homosexuality is wrong and there are a lot of gay/bi/lesbian people who are Christians.  Who has the right to deny them this important part of their faith if we do decide to treat marriage as a christian institution?  What about all the atheist marriages out there? How do they slip through?

By the way, thanks to all you bigot christian conservatives (no offense to one of you reading this... just sort of general, there are exceptions) for showing us just how much "separation" between church and state is.  The government has failed to realize that religion plays an OPTIONAL role in marriage and that they cannot deny these rights to people on a religious basis.

Thoughts from my boy friend

My boy friend, upon reading my other post here, brought up some interesting points about how people see you.

He has recently been reading "Paper Towns" by John Green, which apparently has a lot to do with how people perceive each other. (Haven't read it myself)

He brought up some interesting bits about how most people seem to come up with a "Paper" you.  They see the idea or thought of who you are, not the actual you.  They view you as a two-dimensional thing, failing to see the complex person that you are behind the surface.

I think for the most part this is true.  But everyone and awhile, that slips away and you form a deeper connection.  I think in a way, my rants helps strip away some of his "paper" perception of me.

I know for a fact that I am sometimes guilty of this, but I try myself not to be. Often, when I find I have done this, I will go out of my way to try and see past the "paper" construct I create.  I like to think I am more aware of this due to my seemingly irregular views on identity.

If you find that someone is treating you as a "paper" perception, don't be too hard on them.  Just try and show them some part of you outside that normal perception.  Go outside your comfort zone a bit if you have too, just don't take it personally.  Because I guarantee that you have done it too.

Okay... I can't exactly ignore this for long...

I like men.  Looking back I always have.  I don't think there is a problem with that.   Though I am partially conflicted... I don't feel like my sexuality should be one of my biggest facets, but at the same time... I am a romantic.  I often find myself just randomly day dreaming about romantic situations.  Romance is just something that is a big part of who I am, and that drags my sexuality  more to the front then it already was.  It bothers me that I am introduced as the "gay best-friend".  It doesn't happen often, usually only once with a particular person, but its still not fun.  I am more then just a gay teen.  There is more to my interest then males.  Sure I'd be happy to drool over guys now and then, but that doesn't mean that is what happens every time I look at a a guy, so if I zone out while staring in your general direction, calm your self.  Oh, one more thing for all the unenlightened straight guys out there, not every gay worships straight guys... why the hell that ever started I'll never understand *rolls eyes*

The are only a couple things I find more aggravating regarding my sexuality.  One is when someone talks about it as a disease or as something that evolves from the way I was raised.  I am firm in my belief that you are born with it. I can't personally cope with the idea that it is a mental illness or a complex brought upon me by my upbringing.

Another thing, sexuality is a confusing thing.  Not everyone falls directly on one side or the other. Their is the middle ground, and then there are people off of it entirely.  Their is pan, bi, asexual  and so many more.  That is okay! That is great! Diversity is a good thing.  If you find yourself a bit on the edge between, don't worry bout it, It doesn't mean anything is wrong with you.

The other is when someone explains my behavior or interest with "Of course! You're gay!!!".  Being gay has nothing to do with the fact that I enjoy shopping, or the fact that I like bright colors, or any other part of my identity.  Sexuality is independent of interest.  It would be like if I said "Of course your into Nike clothes! Your straight!

Belief and Identity

My English 11 teacher recently made a comment that I seemed to know where I stand on everything, that I seemed sure of where I am and what I am doing.  But that is far from the truth.  I may be strong in some of my core beliefs, but I believe that everyone is always confused.  Sure, you can sculpt an identity or persona, but really... is that who you are on the inside? Is a person just a some of their belief? or of there actions?  If so, what about people who act out of accordance to their beliefs? And don't tell me you have NEVER done so.  No, identity isn't that simple and neither is belief.  The simple matter of fact is... you are you.  Sure you can say someone is "fake" but what does that mean?  What exactly makes you any more real then them?  The simplest way to put identity is you are you.  Don't worry about who you are, cause in the end your still the same.  Just do what you enjoy, or what you believe is right.  Just have faith in what you believe and keep on going.

If anyone is reading this, if you ever find yourself unsure of who you are.  You are not alone and you don't need to worry.  Life is about change in discovery, so if nothing feels the same, its most likely because its not. Just because things change and people change doesn't mean that WE change.

Speaking to no one

I am not sure what really prompted me to start this blog.
I don't know why anyone would want to listen to the endless ramble of a High-School Junior.
I know for a fact that at this moment, this blog has not one follower, and probably never will.
I suppose I am starting it for me.  So that I can look back at who I was, sort of like a diary.
But it might be possible that I gain some sort of following, that for whatever reason people are entertained by my rants.
I would actually prefer to actually be talking to someone. After all, I don't need a blog to rant to myself.
Well, if you happen to be reading this, thanks.  I am not sure what exactly I am thanking you for, but I feel like I should none the less.
Well! That is more then enough exposition for me... especially for one as dry as this.
Have a  nice day/morning/night/whatever-the-hell-time-or-period-it-is