Thoughts from my boy friend

My boy friend, upon reading my other post here, brought up some interesting points about how people see you.

He has recently been reading "Paper Towns" by John Green, which apparently has a lot to do with how people perceive each other. (Haven't read it myself)

He brought up some interesting bits about how most people seem to come up with a "Paper" you.  They see the idea or thought of who you are, not the actual you.  They view you as a two-dimensional thing, failing to see the complex person that you are behind the surface.

I think for the most part this is true.  But everyone and awhile, that slips away and you form a deeper connection.  I think in a way, my rants helps strip away some of his "paper" perception of me.

I know for a fact that I am sometimes guilty of this, but I try myself not to be. Often, when I find I have done this, I will go out of my way to try and see past the "paper" construct I create.  I like to think I am more aware of this due to my seemingly irregular views on identity.

If you find that someone is treating you as a "paper" perception, don't be too hard on them.  Just try and show them some part of you outside that normal perception.  Go outside your comfort zone a bit if you have too, just don't take it personally.  Because I guarantee that you have done it too.

Okay... I can't exactly ignore this for long...

I like men.  Looking back I always have.  I don't think there is a problem with that.   Though I am partially conflicted... I don't feel like my sexuality should be one of my biggest facets, but at the same time... I am a romantic.  I often find myself just randomly day dreaming about romantic situations.  Romance is just something that is a big part of who I am, and that drags my sexuality  more to the front then it already was.  It bothers me that I am introduced as the "gay best-friend".  It doesn't happen often, usually only once with a particular person, but its still not fun.  I am more then just a gay teen.  There is more to my interest then males.  Sure I'd be happy to drool over guys now and then, but that doesn't mean that is what happens every time I look at a a guy, so if I zone out while staring in your general direction, calm your self.  Oh, one more thing for all the unenlightened straight guys out there, not every gay worships straight guys... why the hell that ever started I'll never understand *rolls eyes*

The are only a couple things I find more aggravating regarding my sexuality.  One is when someone talks about it as a disease or as something that evolves from the way I was raised.  I am firm in my belief that you are born with it. I can't personally cope with the idea that it is a mental illness or a complex brought upon me by my upbringing.

Another thing, sexuality is a confusing thing.  Not everyone falls directly on one side or the other. Their is the middle ground, and then there are people off of it entirely.  Their is pan, bi, asexual  and so many more.  That is okay! That is great! Diversity is a good thing.  If you find yourself a bit on the edge between, don't worry bout it, It doesn't mean anything is wrong with you.

The other is when someone explains my behavior or interest with "Of course! You're gay!!!".  Being gay has nothing to do with the fact that I enjoy shopping, or the fact that I like bright colors, or any other part of my identity.  Sexuality is independent of interest.  It would be like if I said "Of course your into Nike clothes! Your straight!

Belief and Identity

My English 11 teacher recently made a comment that I seemed to know where I stand on everything, that I seemed sure of where I am and what I am doing.  But that is far from the truth.  I may be strong in some of my core beliefs, but I believe that everyone is always confused.  Sure, you can sculpt an identity or persona, but really... is that who you are on the inside? Is a person just a some of their belief? or of there actions?  If so, what about people who act out of accordance to their beliefs? And don't tell me you have NEVER done so.  No, identity isn't that simple and neither is belief.  The simple matter of fact is... you are you.  Sure you can say someone is "fake" but what does that mean?  What exactly makes you any more real then them?  The simplest way to put identity is you are you.  Don't worry about who you are, cause in the end your still the same.  Just do what you enjoy, or what you believe is right.  Just have faith in what you believe and keep on going.

If anyone is reading this, if you ever find yourself unsure of who you are.  You are not alone and you don't need to worry.  Life is about change in discovery, so if nothing feels the same, its most likely because its not. Just because things change and people change doesn't mean that WE change.

Speaking to no one

I am not sure what really prompted me to start this blog.
I don't know why anyone would want to listen to the endless ramble of a High-School Junior.
I know for a fact that at this moment, this blog has not one follower, and probably never will.
I suppose I am starting it for me.  So that I can look back at who I was, sort of like a diary.
But it might be possible that I gain some sort of following, that for whatever reason people are entertained by my rants.
I would actually prefer to actually be talking to someone. After all, I don't need a blog to rant to myself.
Well, if you happen to be reading this, thanks.  I am not sure what exactly I am thanking you for, but I feel like I should none the less.
Well! That is more then enough exposition for me... especially for one as dry as this.
Have a  nice day/morning/night/whatever-the-hell-time-or-period-it-is